“You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life.” I read this somewhere.  My mother was never my enemy. She was just always a symbol to me of sadness, fear and anger. Sadness, Fear, and Anger..they were my enemies. I wanted to save her but I couldn’t because she wanted to wallow in those feelings and took it out on me. I resolved I wouldn’t be like her. I would be the opposite when I grew up and had my own family. Some people stand up for something at a point in their lives but I have stood up for what I believed in all the 19 years I stayed with my mother and siblings. It was a constant battle of beliefs.

I made enemies in my life because of her. Though I didn’t want to be like her, in my heart I always wanted to please her and a point came when I had to hurt other people just to please her. There was a longing to be accepted and loved even if I knew it was never going to happen. I had never heard her say “I love you” either to me or my siblings or not even to my father when he was alive. She showed her love to my siblings by pushing them to be the best in school. I pushed myself to be the best so she would love me but that never worked.

Looking back now, perhaps she did love me in her own way…but whatever way that was, I never understood when I was young.